The Christian-Koinonia Support Group - Entries for November 2011

This blog will contain some insight for those who have experienced spiritual abuse and will also hopefully help to educate those who would like to learn about it.

What if they are right?

Posted November 6th, 2011 at 10:36 PM by Lois

What if they are right?

This is a question that many who leave unhealthy churches face. Because they have not yet worked through the various teachings and/or because they do not understand the manipulative fear tactics, they sometimes wonder if the group was right. Perhaps they are backslid or lost. Maybe their conscience has been seared. Maybe they did walk away from "the truth."

One of the signs of an unhealthy group is that they have "the truth" and others, or at least most others, do not and are therefore not saved. They may have some unique revelation. Outside their doors there is no hope for you. Or so they'd like you to believe....

If this thought of them maybe being right is bothering you, take a good, hard look at the teachings and the manner in which they are taught. Learn to recognize the signs of spiritual abuse and how fear is used to manipulate and control. Then you will know whether they are right or wrong and you will have overcome that fear factor.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Fear, Leaving, Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

If only I had remained....

Posted November 5th, 2011 at 01:37 AM by Lois

If only I had remained in the UPC (or other church)....

People who have left and are going through a rough time sometimes think that, had they remained, this or that would not have happened. If they had stayed in the group, they wouldn't have lost their job or there wouldn't be family problems or..... They have forgotten that bad things happened while they were there. Old thoughts from sermons with twisted scriptures can have a hold on people for years if they do not deal with the issues from their involvement.

I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in the church. A house burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial problems, marriage problems and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep them from the things of life that can happen to anyone.

In like manner, being out of the group, we need to understand that things will also happen. It is part of life. It doesn't mean God is after you and trying to get you to return to the unhealthy church. It doesn't mean you are lost or backslid. It doesn't mean you would have been safe from whatever happened had you remained. Take the time to look into the passages that were used to scare you and to understand the fear that permeates the teachings. If you do this and learn of how God really is, you will no longer have to fight such thoughts.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Fear, Leaving, Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

YOU are the problem!

Posted November 4th, 2011 at 02:40 AM by Lois

There is no problem- you are the problem.

Ever been made to feel that way at a church or seen it happen to another? You bring to the attention of leadership a possible problem that you see, be it doctrine or something happening at church. You find that suddenly YOU have now become the problem.

How and why does this happen? The pastor, who is insecure and feels threatened, decides that there really isn't anything wrong, that it is simply YOU. You are rebellious, a trouble maker, trying to stir up strife or division, you are unteachable, backslid.... There are a number of possible reasons why YOU have become the problem. And he may bring these up in a sermon and preach hard against those that may question the pastor. Remember the she bears or when the earth opened up and all those people lost their lives? Or when some were hit with leprosy or the couple dropped dead before Peter? You don't want to find yourself in a similar situation!

And what does this switch do? It pretty much silences anyone else who may have had similar thoughts. It creates division as you are now suspect and perhaps should be avoided until you come to your senses and ask for forgiveness. It also can cause you to wonder if what the pastor said is true. Are you messed up? Are you being influenced by the devil? Is there a spirit of rebellion in you? Could God be planning your demise because you questioned the pastor?

Healthy churches allow and even welcome questioning and differing opinions. But if you are in an unhealthy church, you will quickly learn that those who bring attention to a problem will themselves become the problem.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Scare Tactics, Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

Ministers who don't keep confidences

Posted November 3rd, 2011 at 10:42 PM by Lois

Ministers who don't keep confidences. This is another sign of an unhealthy church. One should be able to counsel with a minister and know that what is shared will stay between them alone. Even the UPC, in its Manual of rules states, "When a minister receives information that is a privileged communication, the minister shall not divulge or repeat any part of such communication to any other person.." (unless required to by law or if the person waives the privilege)...

Yet some ministers use privileged information to shame and manipulate church members. They incorporate it into sermons. They share it with their wife and other family members. It may come out under the guise of a prayer request for the individual. They may even share private matters about members with people who don't even attend the church they pastor.

A minister is to have the heart of a servant. Using privileged information to shame, manipulate, humiliate, control or hurt people is a sign of an abusive individual who, though they may hold the title of a minister, they are not representative of Christ.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Fear, Experiences

Comments 0 Lois is offline

Distorted Vision

Posted November 2nd, 2011 at 02:00 AM by Lois

Have you ever put on another person's glasses and everything you looked at was distorted? What once was clear and sharp is blurred and hard to define.

When I was involved in the UPC, I sometimes looked into the beliefs of groups considered cultish and/or unhealthy, such as Mormonism. I could see the wrong things in other groups, but had not yet realized all the unhealthy aspects of what I was heavily involved in myself. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

Many who leave unhealthy churches often better see the abuse and twisting of scriptures AFTER they have been out for awhile. While immersed in their former churches, they were seeing more through the group's glasses, so to speak. When those glasses start to be removed, many are amazed they didn't see things for what they were earlier.

If you are going through this stage, don't beat yourself up over it. It is hard to see clearly when you are looking at the Bible and church events through the group's glasses.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Leaving, Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

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