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This blog will contain some insight for those who have experienced spiritual abuse and will also hopefully help to educate those who would like to learn about it.
Old

Who Understands?

Posted November 30th, 2011 at 06:51 AM by Lois
It's tough on the outsider who has a loved one in an unhealthy church and has never been exposed to anything similar. They are not going to relate to many things. Some of what they see or hear may seem absurd to them, that anyone could believe or do such things.

For the one on the outside, it's important to not minimize anything you hear. You should educate yourself as to the beliefs and practices of the group. For instance, if your brother shared with you that he was concerned about his salvation because he wore shorts, should you burst out laughing, ridicule or make light of it....well, chances are he will think more than once before opening up to you again. So there will be times where, being on the outside and not having a better comprehension, that you need to take extra care in how you respond to a situation.

It is also tough on the former or current member who is struggling with teachings. Besides the fact that many unhealthy churches do not encourage vocalizing questions pertaining to their teachings, there's not a lot of mainstream Christians who can relate or understand what they may be encountering or going through. Try explaining to a woman attending a Methodist church, that you are concerned that as a woman, you may no longer be saved because you cut your hair. See how little she can relate to that. Sharing additional things, like your family may have lost protection because of it, will be mind boggling to her.

There are so many different issues, besides the teachings, that one exposed to an unhealthy church may have to grapple with, that many simply do not understand. Just where do you go when no one around you has any concept of what you're going through? How can your other friends be of much help when they haven't a clue about what you're trying to discuss?

But there are certain people who can relate, besides former members of the same group. Though it may sound unbelievable at first, if you will take the time to learn why it is true, it will help immensely. A former member of an unhealthy church would find they have many things in common with former Moonies, guru followers, Krishna people, UFO groups, EST followers and more. The teachings of each group are quite different, but there are particular practices found in abusive or unhealthy groups that allow former members to relate to and understand each other- even though the groups they came out of are as different as night and day on the surface.

Had I not seen this first hand in the 1990s, several years after leaving the UPC, I probably wouldn't have believed it for some time. It was a real eye opener for me.
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Posted in Leaving, Questioning
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Old

Sometimes One Must Return To Remember Why They Left

Posted November 29th, 2011 at 08:20 AM by Lois
"If you really believe that, then you should go back to the UPC." Did I say that? Yes, I really said that to a friend. There was a time I wouldn't have considered it.

Earlier on, after leaving my former church, there would be times that a friend would return to the group or someone I knew via the internet would. It used to upset and puzzle me, but that changed after awhile as I gained more knowledge. It was replaced with the realization that some people need to return for a period of time, in order to remember why they left in the first place.

This even happened to one lady, who during her time back, wrote a book about returning to the group. It was an attempt to help bring in the 'backsliders.' She worked in a ministry to get people to return. And then she left again, with no intention of returning.

There are different reasons people return to an unhealthy church. They may have left before being fully persuaded in their own mind that it was abusive, unhealthy and/or that error was being taught. They may return due to fear. Sometimes the pull from family and the desire for their acceptance is overwhelming. However, in this post I wish to concentrate on one aspect.

My focus today is what can happen after a period of time. The one who left may start having nostalgic feelings or may be craving the fellowship and excitement they had in their former church. They may not have gained many new friendships since their exit or they may not have yet found a new church to attend. During this time, they sometimes temporarily forget why they left, or may downplay the reasons, or the other feelings seem so strong that they convince themselves things will be different. They may even be fighting the "what if they are right" thoughts mentioned in an earlier post.

During a time like this, it isn't good to make decisions based on emotions or longings for the past. But sometimes it happens and they find themselves back at their former church or another in the same organization. There is lots of attention and hugs and welcome backs and invitations of fellowship. Things feel sooo good! But as time goes on, and the initial love bombing subsides, they start to see once again why they left in the first place...and at times even see and experience worse things. They walk away once more.

If someone you know returns to an unhealthy church or group, pray for them. Sometimes they simply need to be reminded of why they left. God is more than able to keep them and see them through this time in their life.
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Old

There Are No Standard Standards

Posted November 28th, 2011 at 07:57 AM by Lois
There are no standard standards. Though often touted as God's rules or commands, people become perplexed when they go to another church within the same organization and find differences in these teachings.

You may have simply visited another church and observed the differences or perhaps you switched churches and are a member at a new church. Same group, different church..... and different standards? How can standards change from church to church within the same organization, when they are taught as originating with God and the Bible?

Something is taught as wrong in one, yet wrong and a sinful at another, but OK in yet another. One teaches only skirts and dresses on women, another specifies how much below the knee they must be, and another allows pants underneath in cold weather. Pants? That abomination is allowed?! I thought once an abomination, always an abomination? Huh?? One says a woman shouldn't cut her hair for any reason but it isn't a sin and another says you lose protection for your family and you are lost if you do. One allows facial hair on men and another forbids it. One says no make-up at all, that you are a Jezebel, and another allows basic foundation and cover-up. One demands sleeve length to reach the wrist, another to the elbow and yet another is fine with it between the elbow and shoulder. And the list goes on....

Aargh!! It is enough to make the head spin! How can so many with 'the truth' be teaching so many versions of these standards? Especially when they state this is what God says. Hmm. Is God confused? Does He change his mind all the time? Is something a sin in one area, but ten miles away it isn't? These are some of the questions people face when they encounter all the differences. It is no wonder that questioning the teachings often starts with standards. They are anything but standard in the churches. If they cannot agree among themselves and get these right, what else could they be teaching that is faulty?
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Old

It Is OK To Miss The Good

Posted November 27th, 2011 at 05:20 AM by Lois
Earlier I touched on the subject of good things also happening at a former unhealthy/abusive church and that seeing and admitting such is evidence of the healing process. There is another aspect to this - that it is okay to miss the good that happened.

When one has been involved for awhile in any activity, when they leave that they sometimes have periodic times of missing it, even longing for aspects of it again. It is only natural. If you spent years coaching a football team or playing cards with a group of people, you would have periods where you missed the good times, the fellowship together, the comaraderie. I think to never feel these things would be abnormal.

So why should you feel it would be different for you after leaving a church where you spent many months or years bonding with the people? Yes, even when you later found the church was unhealthy, abusive and/or taught false doctrine? Those things do not change the good times you had or the closeness with people. It is OK to miss the good things and times from your former unhealthy church.

I want to share some well spoken thoughts on this, that a member of our support group wrote. I feel it wraps up the subject very well and gives an important word of caution at the end. It is quoted with permission:

"I think this is something important for anyone to realize after leaving an unhealthy church. After having been a part of something for a long time, it can be hard to reconcile mixed feelings when there were good times too. I've missed a great deal of things since leaving, and even felt a little nostalgic at times. Never enough to warrant going back to it, but I've certainly dealt with periods of sadness. I've cried over friendships I left behind and wished I could re-live some of the positive experiences without returning to all the negative. I think it's good for everyone to realize some of those feelings are "normal"... so long as it's kept in perspective and doesn't drag us back into another unhealthy situation."
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Posted in Leaving, Experiences
Comments 0 Lois is offline
Old

We Are The Few, The Proud, The....

Posted November 26th, 2011 at 06:57 AM by Lois
One sign of an unhealthy church is when they teach that almost everyone else is wrong and lost except them. This isn't speaking of those outside Christianity, but those within. This may also be said of some of the churches within their own organization, if they belong to one.

Besides believing that outside their doors there are few that are saved, some particularly unhealthy churches also tell their members to not go to any functions at certain churches within the same organization. The reason behind their detest for these churches may be they feel the pastor is lax on the standards of the organization, or perhaps not in line with the 'higher' standards he holds. It might be that they allow the use of some form of media that is taught against, like filming services. It may just be because he doesn't like the other pastor for some reason. The jealousy between some ministers is a shame.

I remember when my former pastor would say we were the only church in the area with 'the truth.' Yet in the nearby town, just minutes away, was another church in our same organization. He felt that pastor was lax on standards as all those attending didn't fall in line (as if all those attending our church did...). He also sometimes spoke against our long-time District Superintendent, saying he 'stole' people from our church. Through the years I have heard far worse stories than the things my pastor would do.

Some of these elite may even go on to a 'preferred' way, a 'better' way, that puts distance between them and those they feel are abandoning 'truth.' They will uphold 'the old paths,' even though those alleged 'old paths' are not found in scripture. "Tradition, tradition! Tradition!"

An unhealthy church has no problem disregarding Galatians 5:13-15 as they bite and devour one another. What was it that the early Christians were known by?
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Posted in Fear, Questioning
Comments 0 Lois is offline
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