Lois

So you leave an unhealthy or abusive church but are thinking of remaining within the same religious organization because you don't question the salvation doctrine or something along this line. You haven't done anything wrong, but are no longer in agreement on an issue.

Sometimes these pastors take it upon themselves to call around to other area pastors within the organization, to 'warn' them about you. I know firsthand as it was done to me. I went to see a neighboring pastor, to decide if I might attend there, and he informed me that my former pastor had called to warn him about me. (He would have been fine with my joining the church, though I decided later that I could no longer attend these churches.)

It is funny how some pastors, who feel that salvation isn't found much outside their organization's doors, will feel it is right to try and block a person from attending another church with their same "truth." I guess they want you to be lost. Isn't that really what they are saying when they do things like this? Or maybe they are trying to force you to come back to them on your knees, begging to be allowed back. If so, that is pathetic, controlling, manipulative and sick. In the years since I left, I have heard from a number of people from all over, that their former pastor warned other pastors about them.

If the pastor who is being warned is anything like the one doing the warning, then you will be told you are not welcome there. They probably won't even give you a chance to explain why you left. If they are not, you may have an opportunity to attend. There is a chance you could be welcomed openly, but there may be more of a chance that you will be closely watched and not trusted, nor allowed to become involved. You may have to go through months of this before being fully accepted-- that is, if you don't somehow 'mess up' in the meantime. Another thing that goes along with this, is pastors sometimes telling current members to have no contact with the person who left.

Should you find yourself in this place and not openly welcomed, you may want to consider the possibility that your reasons for leaving may not just be a local church issue (this is initially what I thought) and that there may be more wrong with the actual group than you thought. People are not owned by the church they attend, nor the pastor of it. And if someone is trying to keep you outside the walls of 'truth,' then perhaps that 'truth' isn't really what it is claimed to be....

Again, if your church feels they have some special 'truth' that the majority of people do not have, wouldn't it be more fitting to do everything they can to reach out to you, even if they believe you are in sin or rebellious or whatever? Isn't it better that you be saved, then cast aside and doomed for all eternity? From the actions of some, you wouldn't think so!

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Lois

I promised yesterday to share why I believe there is good reason to formally resign your membership/ties with an unhealthy or abusive church. I had not realized until a year or so ago, in doing some research on a slander lawsuit case involving a pastor fairly high up in the UPC, that it could be an important move.

Now in what I will share, I want to make very clear that I am NOT at all encouraging or saying that former members should sue their ex churches, especially not for frivolous things. However, some unhealthy churches can do things that really harm a person who left and there are times when a lawsuit may be appropriate, after much consideration, prayer and soul-searching.

There are legal issues involved with officially resigning your membership. For instance, should there be legal trouble at the church where the members are listed as involved, if your name is still active in their records, you might be pulled into it. This would probably be rare. There is also a much more important legal issue involved which protects you when you resign and has been upheld in various court cases across the USA.

Normally the courts do not become involved in matters between churches and its members, even over discipline. That is part of the separation of church and state in this country. But when a person resigns and thus formally cuts ties with a church, that church no longer has freedom to 'discipline' them. Things that an unhealthy church might get away with while you are officially a member, legally they no longer have a leg to stand on when you sever your membership. The legal system can become involved once you are officially no longer a member.

So should the former church slander you in such a way as to cause harm or do anything else harmful, you may only be able to combat that legally if you resigned your membership BEFORE those things happened. This was the case with the lawsuit I researched. A former church has no right to deal with you, discipline you, etc. after you resign. If you do not resign membership, the courts see it as you being subject to the discipline of the church.

The link provided will take you to an article that will shed additional light on this subject, giving some background on prior legal cases. It is because of this, that I now feel turning in a letter resigning membership is a good idea when leaving an unhealthy or abusive church.

http://spiritualabuse.org/experience...eparation.html

Lois

You are planning to leave your church, but you don't know whether to write something or talk to the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy...but in an unhealthy one, you need to take care.

We are all familiar with people being read their rights and part of what is said is that "Anything you say can, and will, be used against you." Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn't tell you this, the same holds true with them.

For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being incorrect, how the church is run, problems there, and so on. In an unhealthy church, these things will be shared with others, to put you in a negative light, and to keep people from talking to you. That, in turn, checks others who may be having similar thoughts. The letter, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and you may even find it as a main feature in a sermon.

So if you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage that (more in a future post on this), keep it brief and simple. Don't share your reasons for leaving, don't mention disagreements or problems. If you can do it sincerely, thank the pastor or church for something that helped you or share that you leave with some good memories. And don't share where you will be attending church, if you already decided on that. By keeping it short and simple, you will save yourself some heartache and won't be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you or church members.

The pastor may press to talk to you first, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and maybe tell you where you have gone wrong. You may not have shared why you are leaving, but sometimes you can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. They may well be interpreted as being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.

You have no obligation to speak to the pastor if you do not wish to. If you know the pastor is abusive, avoid it. Also, be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and maybe even sympathize with you and promise things will change. This approach has sometimes worked, and the person is holding onto the proverbial carrot on a stick that they will never get.

So- once again, a caution to guard your own heart in how you leave. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you.....

For anyone interested, here is my resignation letter, with names omitted. I would probably write it differently today, omitting the part about changing churches.

Dear Bro. ___:

Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend
another church. I have...

Lois

Lois