The Christian-Koinonia Support Group

This blog will contain some insight for those who have experienced spiritual abuse and will also hopefully help to educate those who would like to learn about it.

Questioning In an unhealthy church, there is often an unwritten rule regarding questioning teachings or the actions of leadership. Members quickly learn to not openly do this.

Who Understands?

Posted November 30th, 2011 at 06:51 AM by Lois

It's tough on the outsider who has a loved one in an unhealthy church and has never been exposed to anything similar. They are not going to relate to many things. Some of what they see or hear may seem absurd to them, that anyone could believe or do such things.

For the one on the outside, it's important to not minimize anything you hear. You should educate yourself as to the beliefs and practices of the group. For instance, if your brother shared with you that he was concerned about his salvation because he wore shorts, should you burst out laughing, ridicule or make light of it....well, chances are he will think more than once before opening up to you again. So there will be times where, being on the outside and not having a better comprehension, that you need to take extra care in how you respond to a situation.

It is also tough on the former or current member who is struggling with teachings. Besides the fact that many unhealthy churches do not encourage vocalizing questions pertaining to their teachings, there's not a lot of mainstream Christians who can relate or understand what they may be encountering or going through. Try explaining to a woman attending a Methodist church, that you are concerned that as a woman, you may no longer be saved because you cut your hair. See how little she can relate to that. Sharing additional things, like your family may have lost protection because of it, will be mind boggling to her.

There are so many different issues, besides the teachings, that one exposed to an unhealthy church may have to grapple with, that many simply do not understand. Just where do you go when no one around you has any concept of what you're going through? How can your other friends be of much help when they haven't a clue about what you're trying to discuss?

But there are certain people who can relate, besides former members of the same group. Though it may sound unbelievable at first, if you will take the time to learn why it is true, it will help immensely. A former member of an unhealthy church would find they have many things in common with former Moonies, guru followers, Krishna people, UFO groups, EST followers and more. The teachings of each group are quite different, but there are particular practices found in abusive or unhealthy groups that allow former members to relate to and understand each other- even though the groups they came out of are as different as night and day on the surface.

Had I not seen this first hand in the 1990s, several years after leaving the UPC, I probably wouldn't have believed it for some time. It was a real eye opener for me.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Leaving, Questioning

Comments 1 Lois is offline

There Are No Standard Standards

Posted November 28th, 2011 at 07:57 AM by Lois

There are no standard standards. Though often touted as God's rules or commands, people become perplexed when they go to another church within the same organization and find differences in these teachings.

You may have simply visited another church and observed the differences or perhaps you switched churches and are a member at a new church. Same group, different church..... and different standards? How can standards change from church to church within the same organization, when they are taught as originating with God and the Bible?

Something is taught as wrong in one, yet wrong and a sinful at another, but OK in yet another. One teaches only skirts and dresses on women, another specifies how much below the knee they must be, and another allows pants underneath in cold weather. Pants? That abomination is allowed?! I thought once an abomination, always an abomination? Huh?? One says a woman shouldn't cut her hair for any reason but it isn't a sin and another says you lose protection for your family and you are lost if you do. One allows facial hair on men and another forbids it. One says no make-up at all, that you are a Jezebel, and another allows basic foundation and cover-up. One demands sleeve length to reach the wrist, another to the elbow and yet another is fine with it between the elbow and shoulder. And the list goes on....

Aargh!! It is enough to make the head spin! How can so many with 'the truth' be teaching so many versions of these standards? Especially when they state this is what God says. Hmm. Is God confused? Does He change his mind all the time? Is something a sin in one area, but ten miles away it isn't? These are some of the questions people face when they encounter all the differences. It is no wonder that questioning the teachings often starts with standards. They are anything but standard in the churches. If they cannot agree among themselves and get these right, what else could they be teaching that is faulty?

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Questioning, Standards

Comments 0 Lois is offline

We Are The Few, The Proud, The....

Posted November 26th, 2011 at 06:57 AM by Lois

One sign of an unhealthy church is when they teach that almost everyone else is wrong and lost except them. This isn't speaking of those outside Christianity, but those within. This may also be said of some of the churches within their own organization, if they belong to one.

Besides believing that outside their doors there are few that are saved, some particularly unhealthy churches also tell their members to not go to any functions at certain churches within the same organization. The reason behind their detest for these churches may be they feel the pastor is lax on the standards of the organization, or perhaps not in line with the 'higher' standards he holds. It might be that they allow the use of some form of media that is taught against, like filming services. It may just be because he doesn't like the other pastor for some reason. The jealousy between some ministers is a shame.

I remember when my former pastor would say we were the only church in the area with 'the truth.' Yet in the nearby town, just minutes away, was another church in our same organization. He felt that pastor was lax on standards as all those attending didn't fall in line (as if all those attending our church did...). He also sometimes spoke against our long-time District Superintendent, saying he 'stole' people from our church. Through the years I have heard far worse stories than the things my pastor would do.

Some of these elite may even go on to a 'preferred' way, a 'better' way, that puts distance between them and those they feel are abandoning 'truth.' They will uphold 'the old paths,' even though those alleged 'old paths' are not found in scripture. "Tradition, tradition! Tradition!"

An unhealthy church has no problem disregarding Galatians 5:13-15 as they bite and devour one another. What was it that the early Christians were known by?

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Fear, Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

Say it like you actually teach it! It isn't just 'initial' evidence.

Posted November 14th, 2011 at 09:00 AM by Lois

Just pondering the doctrine of initial evidence.....

If speaking in tongues is the initial evidence of receiving the Spirit (I am speaking on Apostolic teachings here), then why do so many also expect continued evidence after one initially speaks in tongues?

As mentioned in a prior post, we never see again that those who spoke in tongues in Acts 2, 10 & 19 ever did it a second time. And yet many proponents of this teaching not only expect to see this happen initially, but also need to see its continued use.

How many have been told to 'pray through' after doing something wrong or seemingly wrong or if you left their church for awhile? To these people, 'pray through' means to pray until tongues come again. They want proof that God's Spirit is yet inside you. Maybe you needed it yourself, too. There is no faith at all in this, proof is wanted. It is as if some believe God's Spirit regularly hops in and out of a believer.

Not only is there the thought to 'pray through' to tongues, there can also be things said from the pulpit, like "If you haven't spoken in tongues in the past week (month, etc.), you had better check yourself!" Why? Where is faith? Do believers lose God so easily? Is God so fickle that at the slightest wrong, He up and leaves?

Things, like these and more, to me mean that the teaching is not simply initial evidence. (Note: I know that all Apostolics do not practice or believe the above in regard to the necessity of ongoing tongues.) It is really initial AND ongoing evidence to them. They have a need for a sign that they, and others, are still okay with God. This is not walking by faith or standing on God's promise to never leave, nor forsake, believers.

Think about it. If tongues are indeed the initial evidence, why then is there such a push for this continuing evidence, especially when it is never found in Scripture? When did you ever read Paul pressing believers to 'pray through' again till they spoke in tongues? When did Peter ever teach that if you haven't spoken in tongues in over a month that you'd better find out what was wrong? These doctrines are not taught or seen as examples in the Bible.

So, I say tell it like it really is. They don't mean just initial evidence---they really mean initial AND ongoing evidence throughout your entire walk with God.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Questioning

Comments 2 Lois is offline

Informational post on speaking in tongues #6- Where I Stand

Posted November 13th, 2011 at 08:30 AM by Lois

I do believe in the gifts of the Spirit, including speaking in tongues, and believe the gifts of the Spirit are available today. I believe the Bible clearly shows that these gifts are not limited to the nine often taught in some circles. I do not believe the Bible teaches that tongues are evidence of anything or salvational.

I do believe that there is a wrong overemphasis on speaking in tongues in some churches (as well as an almost equal underemphasis of other gifts), in addition to their misuse, like there was among the Corinthian believers. The Bible says very little about speaking in tongues, with the most being found in 1 Corinthians 12 & 14, where much correction was made by Paul.

I believe the Bible teaches that tongues do not have a place in a gathering of believers unless there is an accompanying interpretation. I firmly stand upon what Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 12-14 with regard to the gifts.

Nowhere in the Bible do I see speaking in tongues as anything more than one of many gifts of the Spirit that a believer might possibly receive. Paul clearly showed that all do not speak in tongues and that we should desire gifts that edify all and not just ourselves.

So, in none of my postings am I trying to discredit or say that speaking in tongues isn't for today. They are not at all trying to take from anyone's experience. What they ARE trying to do, is put tongues in their proper biblical place - one of many gifts of the Spirit a believer might or might not receive. Nothing more and nothing less. And to bring attention to places where things are read into the Bible and assumed.

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Questioning

Comments 0 Lois is offline

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