The Christian-Koinonia Support Group

This blog will contain some insight for those who have experienced spiritual abuse and will also hopefully help to educate those who would like to learn about it.

Experiences Some feel that everything that happens in a church service must be from God. This is far from the truth as other factors can come into play, such as manipulation, the power of suggestion, and learned behavior.

Is Their Any Biblical Precedence?

Posted January 7th, 2012 at 06:19 AM by Lois

People are often told things and given no biblical support to back them up in unhealthy churches. For instance, I recall being told about either having unconfessed sin in my life or something else (I think it was lack of faith) as to the reason I hadn't spoken in tongues once while 'tarrying' and visiting a nearby church in our organization.

Let's lay aside the basic question of speaking in tongues for this topic and instead simply examine whether the Bible gives support to some things many of us have seen or heard taught.

Do we read Peter or Paul, or anyone else, admonishing people that they didn't speak in tongues because they had unconfessed sin in their life or anything else which gets stated? Do we see people tarrying like is taught at some churches today to tarry for God's Spirit? Do we see other believers crowding around new believers trying to "help" them get God's Spirit? Do we see believers grabbing people's mouths or chins, trying to shake their tongues loose? Do we see them telling people to "hang on" or "let go?" Do we see believers being forced to hold their hands up in the air for long periods of time? Do we see anyone being told to keep saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" or "Hallelujah?" I could go on and on in my list.

Here is where many do not stop to fully look into these things. We didn't check the practices with scripture, to see if we found them there or anything similar. Instead, we went by what we saw and were taught and thought it must be the way it should be. Many of us simply repeated what we witnessed others do in services because it was all new to us.

Take some time to really think about all this. Why are people being taught and encouraged to do such things when we can find no similar practices in scripture?

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Questioning, Experiences

Comments 0 Lois is offline

A Warped View of God

Posted January 6th, 2012 at 07:21 AM by Lois

"I swear on my soul, that if these men are speaking for God, I would rather spend eternity in hell than serve him. How are you supposed to love the God they represent? Unconditional Love? yet contradicted... Grace? yet contradicted..."

"Because all of that junk had completely clouded my view of Jesus, and I didn't even know who he was anymore. Was he the harsh judge that was just waiting for me to show I wasn't "holy" enough so he could smite me? Was he the one that demanded absolute perfection? The one for whom nothing was ever enough?"

These are the feelings of two people who left their separate churches. Some find it hard to break from the erroneous view of God that they encountered while in an unhealthy church. Every time they see someone from their former group write about the group's beliefs or they read Bible passages that were distorted in their church, they wrestle with trying to break away from the harsh taskmaster they came to know. But this isn't the same Jesus portrayed in the Bible, but rather a false view of Jesus that arises from erroneous teachings and how these are taught and applied.

Erroneous teachings can indeed cloud your view of God. They can give one a very different and distorted view of God. The tragic aspect of this, and one I have seen all too often, are people who can see the error of at least some of the teachings and yet have not yet been able to break from this distorted view of God.

This is what happens in a performance based church and while things vary from one unhealthy church to another, the teachings lead to performance based religion. While many will not say, for instance, that following outward standards is salvational, they will believe one is lost or at the least backslid if they don't adhere. So this actually makes them matters of salvation, whether or not it is specifically stated as such.

This is an excerpt of an email I received from a visitor to the spiritualabuse.org website. They are UPC and wrote: "WE strive to live Christ. Do we error? YES! But we try. There are some Pastor's who goes over board, but for the majority, it is just about trying to make heaven our home. Yes, some things seem extreme, but in comparison to eternity, it is the least we can do. Our dress and appearance is simple a safety protocol we take to assure our success in making heaven our home. I hope you give this some thought."

Take note of what was actually said. It's about trying to make it to heaven. It's about safety measures. It is not at all about trusting in the finished work at Calvary. I don't know how many posts I've read through the years where someone has written something like, "I'd rather be safe than sorry" concerning a teaching. And remember hearing church testimonies that said something like, "Pray for me that I will make it in?"...

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Fear, Leaving, Questioning, Experiences

Comments 2 Lois is offline

Intentional & Unintentional Spiritual Abuse

Posted January 2nd, 2012 at 06:45 AM by Lois

Just a few thoughts on intentional or unintentional spiritual abuse. One thing I try to remind people about is that a great many who are involved in these churches are sincere in their beliefs. They often believe that what they are doing is for the Lord. They must stand for "truth."

So in this, some hurt others. It's not because they wanted to do so and they may have no clue as to the damage they bring about in a person. They feel they are sincerely following and serving God.

To show a biblical example, let's remember Saul. He persecuted the church as a Pharisee. He truly believed he was doing what God would have him to do, in upholding what he felt was truth and taking a stand against what he felt was heresy from those following Jesus. He harmed many people in his days of persecuting Christians. He was sincere, but very, very mistaken.

So everyone that is spiritually abusive is not doing it with the wrong intent in their heart. Read on....

There are also those where being in an unhealthy church is all they know. They have watched a leader or someone they admire in the church and emulate them. In doing so, they harm others, all the while thinking it is God's way.

I honestly believe that a good deal of spiritual abuse comes from sincere but mistaken people. I know for myself, that I became judgmental in things and felt I was in the right. I know I did things that probably hurt people at times, but felt I was doing it for their own good. I was so misguided. Do you recall any time you probably hurt someone spiritually, thinking all the while you were taking a stand for 'truth' and doing what God wanted?

I have stated in the past that if the Lord would have opened my former pastor's eyes and let him see all the many people he hurt through the years that he would have been devastated. He hurt many people over many years.

But then there are those who cause deliberate harm. I find much less compassion for those types. I don't like people using and manipulating people. When I watch those tv shows where they are about some man who causes women to fall in love with them and then takes all they have or the ones where people scheme in other ways to defraud someone.... I get angry. It is one thing to unintentionally hurt or harm someone and a totally different ball game when people knowingly do so. There are some ministers so afraid to lose their 'kingdom' or livelihood that they do whatever it takes to keep it.

I heard a story awhile back where such deliberate hurt was inflicted. I saw a glimpse of the pain they had inside. And when such happens under the guise of Christianity, it hurts much more deeply, I believe. Some people have much to answer to when they face the Lord one day.

Abuse, whether intentional or unintentional yet feels the same- and this is mostly true unless one...

Lois

Administrator

Posted in Questioning, Experiences

Comments 3 Lois is offline

Correction in the Church

Posted December 29th, 2011 at 06:58 AM by Lois

Correction....there are those who feel a minister has the authority to confront and correct you about any and all aspects of your life, even things quite personal. Some feel they have no right to correct anyone over anything. We have all heard stories that we cannot correct those in leadership, but must leave any correction to God.

There is also the aspect of *how* correction should be made. Are we to openly rebuke people in front of the church for any and all matters? Do you have a right to face your accusers? Should someone just accept the word of one person? Do we have any recourse if we feel the correction is unwarranted or carried out in an inappropriate manner?

The Bible does give the church guidelines concerning correction. But how does this compare to what we were taught and what we may have personally experienced in an unhealthy church?

Many of us experienced it first hand or at least witnessed it. In order to not fall prey to this in the future, you need to get to the heart of it. When we find how the Bible describes correction, then we can hold others to this standard and not allow ourselves to be put in this position again.

I recall my former pastor telling of an incident which happened in his church prior to my becoming a member. He felt there was division in the church and he sat at the front of the church and had each member parade by him and say whether or not they'd been speaking negatively about him. (He based this on an OT incident.)

I forget all the details but I have it recorded on a tape where he brought it up in a sermon (more than once he mentioned this event). So he 'corrected' the people in front of all. After this incident, the church had a split.....I wonder why???

Ministers are not to police people. The Bible teaches against this. Remember when the disciples were discussing amongst themselves which of them would be the greatest? Jesus told them that the greatest must be the last of all, and a servant of all. (Mark 9:35)

In Matthew 20 it describes how the mother of John and James went to Jesus with a request that each of her sons sit at the side of Jesus in his kingdom. Of course, this didn't sit well with the other 10 apostles! But Jesus called them together and explains in verses 25- 28, "...Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them. BUT IT SHALL NOT BE SO AMONG YOU: but whosoever will be great among you, LET HIM BE YOUR MINISTER. And whosoever will be chief among you, LET HIM BE YOUR SERVANT: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many."

If a pastor does not have the heart of a servant and a minister, then they should step down. I Peter 5:2-3 also shows this: "FEED the flock of God which is among you,...