Not long ago, I left my church. I struggled with the decision for quite awhile before leaving. Several things pushed me to the final decision, but one in particular prompted an immediate move.

Since leaving, I have wavered a bit a few times. It was difficult to tell a few people I was quitting, especially since I still believe most of the fundamental doctrines of the group I was part of for so long. It's also been difficult to talk with a few of them since then, when they asked me to come back. There are things that I miss about church, enjoyable things that have quite a pull for me. And I feel badly for dropping my obligations to certain people and activities. Some people are very hurt and sad that I'm gone, and that is hard, too.

Since leaving, I've been able to look at the situation from a few steps away. There were good things about that church. Friends and activities that I miss.

Last night I read something, and my reaction surprised me. It was a list of warning signs that a person might be in a potentially abusive environment. I had read the list before, and thought there were a few things that might fit my experience, but... Last night I reread the list, and was shocked.

I haven't been thinking much about what happened there lately. I've needed to focus on gaining strength and healing and looking back wouldn't have done that. Last night, reading that list, I realized how many excuses I had made for certain actions and attitudes I'd faced. Guess I just caught it at the right time. I'd read one point, and start thinking, "yeah, they do that, but it's just because..." and would catch myself doing it. Then I would consider what I've learned of grace and love since then, and realize there is simply no valid excuse for lying, vainglory, backbiting, gossip, favoritism, authoritarianism, putting others down, or cutting others off.

I knew those things happened long before I left. But they were really little things, opposed to "staying in THE truth." Surely I could overlook the constant bragging from the pulpit. I could forgive the liars and backbiters and gossips for the harsh things they said, and I could forget the horrible rebukes of the pastor (without giving me a chance to explain) because surely he was just frustrated by something else. Maybe by being the scapegoat I was helping-I could take the rebukes, while someone else might backslide over being called those awful names and being misjudged. People who were shunned surely deserved shunning, and it must be for their good... even when it was me and I knew I'd done nothing wrong. Maybe God knew something about me that I didn't. Maybe if I went through this one more thing, I'd finally be accepted and loved, too. And if I could finally gain the pastor's affection, perhaps I could someday hope God would really love me, too.

Over time, I came to the realization that the Bible clearly speaks...

mary

Psalm 23
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..."

The word "pastor" is not often mentioned in the KJV Bible. A pastor is a shepherd.

What is a pastor? What would a real shepherd be like?
A pastor is gentle. He knows sheep, and he knows his sheep. He would never mistake a sheep for a goat. (Even most city slickers wouldn't do that!)

A shepherd loves his sheep. He doesn't want to hurt them, but protects them. His rod and staff are comforting, so they must not be used to beat sheep with. The staff may be used to reach a sheep in a tight spot, but not to hurt the sheep. A shepherd never deliberately hurts a sheep, but if a sheep is hurt he also must never leave the sheep, wounded and bleeding, alone. If a sheep is hurt, he will bind its wounds.

If a sheep leaves the fold, the shepherd goes and looks for it and brings it back-he doesn't ignore the fact that it has gone or say it left so it has to find its own way back. If a sheep from another fold finds its way to him, he will keep it, feed it, heal it, and protect it. He will also go out of his way to deliver it to the rightful owner if possible.

A shepherd will defend his flock. He will put himself in danger to fight bear or wolf so that his sheep stay safe. He mourns the death of a sheep. The Bible talks about the shepherd fighting for the sheep and pulling the bits that are left out of the beast's mouth. (Amos 3:12) Each sheep is special to him. He takes his duties seriously.

A shepherd is humble. There is nothing about his job that demands praise or glory. The shepherd was generally the youngest son, and shepherding was considered lowly work. Shepherds aren't braggarts. They simply do their jobs. They receive very little thanks for their work, and expect no thanks.

Feeding the sheep is one of the shepherd's priorities. He knows the best fields, and leads them there. He never drives them, always leads them. He knows the clearest streams, and leads them to the food, water, and rest they need to be healthy and strong.

Sheep are not accountable to the shepherd, but the shepherd is accountable for the sheep. He doesn't expect a report from each sheep every day, week, or month on what they ate or did with their days. Sheep are sheep. They do sheep things. He knows by looking at them which sheep are prospering and which may need extra attention. He gives that attention and care gladly; it's part of his job, and no sheep has to beg for it.

A shepherd keeps count of the sheep and makes sure none are left behind. If a sheep is lost, the shepherd doesn't blame the sheep; he takes responsibility for its loss himself. He finds it if he can, taking the time and effort to retrace his steps, calling and searching for it until he finds it and brings it home.

Sheep feel safe with their shepherd. They can relax in his presence, yet they...

mary

To be bitter is to empower those who wronged you and, further, to wrong yourself.

We are told we need to reach the world, to be soul winners for God. Where is our witness? How can we win them if we don’t love them-if we only look for differences rather than commonalities? Especially if we’re mistaken about what they believe and won’t listen when they try to tell us, how can we say we love them? What is so frightening about discovering our similarities? What’s so threatening about reaching out to them, where they are? Why is it easier to tell someone they are wrong than to discover something they are right about? Even in Paul’s sermon on Mars Hill, he found a way, not to say their idols were wrong, but to say there was more for them. He wasn’t afraid to go to their idolatrous place of worship, and he didn’t call it that. Instead, he found an altar “to the unknown god” and began to preach to them about One they had never known. He found common ground. Can’t we do the same?

mary

I've been told so many times that "perfect love casts out all fear" and that fear actually enables bad things to happen in our lives since it is the opposite of faith. But not all fear is bad. For instance, I'm afraid if I touch a hot stove I will be burned, so I refrain from touching it.

There are some fears that I have relating to my former church, as well. It is a proverbial hot stove in my life, and I've been burned enough to know not to touch it again. I don't think there is anything wrong with naming my fears, nor do I think there is anything wrong with being afraid. So it is time to name a few.

I am afraid people from my former church will cyber-stalk me and will find and misunderstand my posts, afraid they will twist them and try to use them against me. I'm afraid that someone will vandalize my property because I left their church. I'm afraid that people will be hurt that I left and will cut me off without ever asking why. Mostly, I'm afraid I will discover by these types of actions that my former church is filled with the bitterness, strife, anger, malice, variance, gossip, racism, and hatred that I've sensed in some.

Fear isn't always a negative thing. There is a negative, immobilizing fear. But there is also a type of fear by which we learn and are motivated to change. Maybe the original Greek, Hebrew, or whatever had two or three words to define fear. I don't know. I'm no bible scholar. But I do know that some fear is OK. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Obviously, that is a good fear, a healthy respect that motivates people to serve God. And if "perfect love casts out all fear" surely that doesn't include a fear of the Lord. So there are at least two types of fear: immobilizing terror and the fear that promotes positive response and action.

The fear that I have is more the positive kind that motivates a person to learn and to respond. For years, I was immobilized by the negative type of fear in church. I was afraid to speak out against immorality and unethical behavior in the church. I was afraid not to worship a certain way or display a certain type of emotion, because someone might think something was wrong with me and I would be attacked. So I became a hypocrite, hiding behind the required fake smiles and amens in order to survive, when all the time the questions built in my mind. Had I been allowed to ask the questions, to grieve when bad things happened, to say amen when I agreed and remain quiet when I didn't (without being rebuked for it) I would probably still be there.

Over time, I began to look for answers and meaning. Not being allowed to ask the questions or seek the answers in the church, I looked in the Bible. The answers I found surprised me and prompted me to action. I was still afraid, but it was a positive fear that prompted response. My response has included leaving a very negative situation.
...

mary

My full-time work hours have been really carving into my writing/blogging time, but I hope to fix that situation soon. I hope everyone's had a merry Christmas!

AJtheIrishLass