Well, I'm not blogging as much now as I did at first. That's actually a good thing in several ways. I write for therapy, so silence on my blog shows that things are going well. I've found a church that I feel comfortable in, and several activities that aren't related to a specific church, which is very positive since I don't want all my friends an activities to focus on one group ever again. I'm beginning to make friends with non-Pentecostals, too, which is very positive.

There are a few things that have amazed me that I don't think I've written about. The first is that though I was always taught in church that my skirts and hair were my identifiers, and felt that if I went to a movie or any other "taboo" place that people would see my hair or dress and know I was Pentecostal. I was taught that by going certain places, I would "lose my witness." As though people with no Pentecostal background would recognize that I was Pentecostal and was breaking the rules. Fascinatingly, no one outside the church seems to notice or care how I dress or whether my hair is uncut, unless they have specific background with Pentecost themselves. I love it!

The other day I started noticing that I am going a little overboard with things at times. It's as though I need a few weeks of total involvement in one area before I can let it go and move on to something else. For instance, I watched quite a few movies for two or three weeks. Then I stopped watching any. I have no problem with movies, but it was as though I needed the experience and needed to prove that I could, and then was finished with that expereince for awhile. I won something on the radio, and have wanted to call every time they had a contest since. (I could rarely call in church because other members would listen and condemn the winner if it wasn't totally wholesome in their opinion.) And we won't mention number of hours on the internet! But that, too, is normalizing as time goes by.

The people at my new church are entirely different. No attendance is taken, no one has called if I don't come. But they are always glad to see me if I do go. There have been no restrictions that I must attend there for a certain amount of time before getting involved, nor have there been demands that I must do a certain amount for them. Shortcomings are laughed off and qualities are brought out. There are no big people and little people, no popularity contests and no shunning. I've never seen a group of people get along so well, just because they could and not because they had to. It's wonderful.

It's nice to have the freedom to do what I want when I want to, and to feel more comfortable just enjoying life as it comes.

mary

I went to a baby shower at a church I've been visiting this weekend. I've been to lots of baby showers in the church, hated them, and felt guilty for hating them. This one was totally different.

On Thursday, I e-mailed one of the ladies in charge and asked her if she'd like me to bring a tray of food. She replied they'd forgotten the food, and that would be wonderful, then asked what I would be bringing. I replied briefly a veggie tray and maybe a fruit tray. She said great.

In Pentecostal churches, I have been intimidated to bring food to anything for a long time. What I brought to carry ins was rarely eaten. Ladies would tell me how to improve it, or remind me that they preferred more spices or more meat, or less fat or higher quality ingredients. What I brought to bake sales was set aside on the back corner of the table. My things rarely sold. What a waste of time, effort, and money!

So I went and bought the food for the trays. She hadn't put limitations or expectations on me, so I was able to be more creative, and wasn't so worried about what I got. I don't have to impress these people, after all. If they need impressing, I'll go somewhere else. It was fun choosing items for the trays, for a change. No agonizing over what fruit would be perfect or whether Sis Snooty would think there was enough. Just fun, making choices and considering what they would enjoy most.

When I got home, I was surprised to realize I had enough for three trays. Crackers and cheese. Veggies. Fruit. Each tray was filled with the things that would keep over night. Then on Saturday I put the remaining foods in their proper slots-even a slot for marshmallows, just for fun, and because I knew any kids that came would enjoy them.

My former church ladies would have had a fit. The grapes weren't the freshest. They weren't the largest. There were marshmallows in the fruit tray, and some were quartered regular sized ones, so they were a little sticky. The apples hadn't been treated with lemon juice. Etc.

The ladies yesterday were just happy to be there. They complimented the trays, and laughed about how much they enjoyed the marshmallows. They chose foods politely, rather than piling their plates high and hoping there would be enough left over for people at the end of the line. They ate everything they chose-nothing was shunned as not good enough once tasted. No one complained about anything at all. It was absolutely amazing, and it was wonderful.

Then came the gifts. Oh, I hated choosing gifts for events in my former church. Once, a lady stopped me in Walmart, looked in my cart, and asked if that was what I was taking to the shower. She asked what else I was buying. I told her that was it. She proceeded to tell me that I needed a pricier brand and bigger box of diapers, took mine away and put her choice in my cart! What an interesting way to be helpful... though I know that's what...

mary

Before I left, I really started studying some things out and realized that my fears were deliberately instilled and completely unfounded. I've questioned things that happened in church and certain doctrines for awhile. Until recently, though, I tried to squelch those questions or reason them out. But the answers are pretty obvious-and not in the Pentecostals' favor.

I'm actually still more conservative than a lot of liberal Pentecostals, and don't know quite what to do about that yet. I love my hair, and get lots of compliments on it. I actually went and bought MORE skirts after I left the church-but the church I was in, we couldn't wear denim on church days or outreach days. That left Mondays and Fridays... and my job limits denim on Mondays. So when I rebelled, I went and bought jean skirts!! I have no idea if or when I'll buy any jeans (LOL I have to buy a larger size jeans than skirts-now that's a deterent!) or really cut my hair. (I have trimmed it, but not noticeably.) I don't agree that those things are biblical issues, but they are just a part of who I am. On the other hand, this summer I fully intend to wear short sleeves, and look forward to showing my elbows.

One thing I realized, that had always held me back before, is that people "in the world" don't generally recognize people as Pentecostal for the way that they dress. So however I dress is really just my preference, and doesn't prohibit me from dancing or buying a drink or going to a movie... it was ingrained that everyone would know I was Pentecostal and doing something 'bad' would be a bad witness, but no one "in the world" cares what I wear or where I go. Now that's liberating!

I really figured at first I would just leave the conservative churches and "go liberal". But I've been to some of their churches now. So small, not growing... no single men my age... I want to meet and marry someone, and I get so mad at myself for sacrificing something so normal for a church that then inferred that there was something wrong with me because I hadn't married or "backslid for a man". That blew my mind. Fornicators were respected more than me because "at least they were normal."

Anyway, back to the positive. Since leaving, I've been free to be happy, not to second guess every move, not to be afraid that I'd make a mistake... I didn't have many friends left in Pentecost, and though it is good to reconnect with some I wasn't allowed to talk to in conservative Pentecost, I don't ever want to go back. Ever read Plato's "The Cave"? Lots of symbolism, but a pretty good description of exit to me. http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/allegory.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave
Mary

mary

Someone this weekend discussed the scripture Hbr 12:6 "For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth." There is a difference between discipline and punishment. God wants to discipline us, not punish us, and certainly not abuse us. Discipline teaches a lesson, while punishment demands condemnation for an action or misdeed. Discipline is positive. Punishment is negative. Abuse is an extreme form of punishment, where the punishment exceeds the crime, is unrelated to (or unassociated with) the crime, or where a person is punished without reason or unreasonably (ie because the abuser is angry and needs someone to "take it out on")-abuse is misuse of punishment.

If something bad happens and we start running through our memories to see if we've done wrong, that's not of God. When He disciplines us, He'll also make sure we know exactly what we have done, and how to do better next time. There won't be any vague "You've been bad. You are very bad," ondemnatory statements. That's condemnation. Discipline, however, comes with love.

Rom 8:1 [There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

If we are condemned, we fear. God doesn't ant us to be afraid of Him! He's our Father. He loves us. "The fear of the Lord" in the bible efers to a healthy respect for God. It means to honor Him-not be terrified of Him.

God wants us to learn from mistakes. He disciplines, because discipline leaves hope, faith, and trust in tact, and teaches a specific lesson. He disciplines in love. He isn't waiting to strike us down for being human-for making a mistake or even for a deliberate "sin". He loves us.

mary

I have heard way too many times that basically God just dumps trials and tests on us as Christians, because "he that the Lord loveth he chasteneth," and "the trying of our faith worketh patience."

God is NOT responsible for people's lies, gossip, spite, malice, and so forth. God is NOT the author of confusion. So He doesn't tell people to do those things to us, nor does He decide to "put us through" those types of "trials". When people backbite, gossip, slander, or abuse people, those aren't trials God has put on us. That isn't God testing us, that's people sinning against us! I don't care who does them. It can be the pastor's pet, his family, or him, it can be someone who talks in tongues daily or hourly, but when they do those things, it's still not of God. It's still sin.

It seems like the last few years people in churches I've been to have stopped blaming the devil and started blaming God for all the hurt they cause others. When will they ever take responsibility for their actions?

mary