In writing something else tonight I remembered realizing that only one person in the New Testament was listed as being thrown out of church--a man who "had his father's wife" in Corinth.

Several years ago I was thrown out of a church because the pastor believed I had a certain thought. He couldn't name one instance of example when I had broken a rule. He couldn't cite a single time when the supposed thought had been acted on or displayed in any way... by me. He did name several instances where someone ELSE had shown a certain tendency, but he said he discerned that I'd had the thought, so I was permanently put out of the church.

It was widely known that the man in Corinth was sleeping with his mom or stepmom. But how does anyone dare disfellowship someone for allegedly thinking something? Can a thought be proven? No. Not unless it's acted on. I dare say that many people have had thoughts they wish they hadn't had. God doesn't banish us based on what we are tempted to do, but only what we act on. Sure, a man that looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Jesus didn't say that such a man should be stoned for adultery, nor did he say the woman should be stoned for whatever made him lust. Jesus was simply warning caution about not letting thoughts run wild, because if we think on certain things long enough, we might act on them, and it's when we act on them that we sin. (Jas 1:13-15)

mary

My job ends soon. I've known Pentecostals in my past who prayed I would lose a job and who rejoiced when I lost a job, because they believed the job wasn't the will of God for me or thought God needed to get my attention on something. There are probably people thinking the same things now. People from my former church have called and bragged that now they can get jobs, that the pastor told them they could probably get jobs now, and so forth. There may be people in my former church who even think God is punishing me by taking my job away.

This job was never supposed to last past a certain time. It actually lasted about 15% longer than it should have. I have a new job already lined up. There are other opportunities that may also present themselves. I'm not disappointed that it's ending. I'm relieved. I worked, and worked hard, there, threw myself into it whenever I had the opportunity, learned a lot, grew professionally. And left church to keep my integrity and honesty. My job was made more difficult by my "brothers" and "sisters" who threatened and blackmailed me and by a boss who wouldn't believe that I wasn't like them.

Earlier this week I e-mailed a good-bye and thank you to some former coworkers. One who attended church with me asked about a rumor. I responded to her on some other things, but completely forgot to answer whether the rumor was true or not. She questioned me again about it, laughingly saying I avoided the question. No, I forgot it had been asked. It was hardly worth thinking about. A year and a half ago a rumor like that would have been nearly earth shattering.

Clearing out my e-mails today, I read again some of the messages my "brothers" and "sisters" had sent me. The messages seem almost petty now. "Like u care, but i..." "u avoidn my ? i no u don like wat i say but it tru..." Childish, unprofessional, but no longer bothersome in the way they were when they were written. They are still troublesome for the memories they produce, and I still react to them, but I realize now if it hadn't been for the threats of a bullying, abusive pastor their statements would have meant nothing.

I'm looking forward to my new job. I've gotten numerous compliments and thanks from work associates in the past few days. I've sifted through and cleared out e-mails that reminded me just how much I've learned and done in my time at the job that's ending. Several people have recommended upcoming positions in their offices. And a few have mentioned that they wouldn't hire me when I held the job that's ending because they needed me as an associate, but that since it's ending they would do their best to get me on their staff. Sound like God's punishment that I'm losing my job? Not hardly. A huge blessing, perhaps, in many ways, but not a curse by any means.

It still hurts when one of them goes out of their way to make a snide...

mary

I watched Join Us, a documentary about a cultish group in TN, the other day. Twice. I've also watched a documentary on Westboro. It still amazes me that they use almost verbatim the same words, verses, and manipulative techniques, even if they preach against each other or say the other groups are absolutely wrong.

The thing that stood out yesterday wasn't really misuse of scripture, but the way the pastor manipulated his people. Apparently some of the footage was live by hidden camera. A few times, one woman tried to contact her former pastor. Every time, guilt was dumped on her, not love. It was so obvious to me, and reminded me of the same thing in my former church. When Jesus talked to the woman caught in the act of adultery, He didn't say, "Just look at what you've done to yourself! This is your fault, and you hurt my reputation. Now I'll just have to fight the devil because I love you so much. *sigh*" No, He said, "Where are your accusers?... Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more."

"Neither do I condemn you..." how opposite of what I experienced and witnessed in my former church, where people were stood up and their 'sins' (indiscretions, perhaps, and sometimes lies or misrepresentations) announced to the church at large. "Neither do I condemn you..." The woman wasn't going to have to live with the guilt and shame of what she'd done forever. She wasn't humiliated by Jesus, but loved.

mary

I was fascinated a year or more ago to realize that Baritmaeus' parents were afraid of being thrown out of the temple, which would actually be even worse than being thrown out of the UPC--I lost friends and church "family" but they lived in an area where nearly everyone but the enemy was Jewish. That gave me a new hope in spite of the things that had happened. If people who said Jesus healed someone were afraid of expulsion, Jesus was also rejected by the leaders the law said were anointed. He's walked where I walk.

Today in Sunday School I came across another verse in John 12:
I've heard v 43 quoted quite a bit in my former church. But never in this context. It wasn't about being fair or just to people in the world instead of protecting members. It wasn't about trying to get a better job or more schooling. It was about people going along with the religious leaders of Jesus' day rather than professing faith in Jesus because they were afraid of expulsion.

It's a comforting thought to me.

mary

Some years ago, I was thrown out of a church because the pastor falsely accused me of things and wouldn't allow me to even say I hadn't done what he accused me of. He told me that if he said I did it, he was a Man of God, and God had obviously talked to him about me and revealed the wickedness in my heart. He also preached that I would walk out of church the night he kicked me out and immediately go and cut my hair and wear pants and makeup. I felt like I was betraying him by NOT doing those things, proving that he was a false prophet. I hadn't done anything wrong, and I believed THE Truth, so I didn't cut my hair or put on pants. I simply found another Oneness church and tried to act like nothing had happened.

The new pastor told me to just forget about what had happened and move on. But I couldn't. What happened had created a lot of questions and doubts in my mind, things that I needed to work through and discuss. I needed time to heal. They wanted to act like there was nothing to heal, and that hurt worse.

I always felt condemned for not doing crazy things in church. After being kicked out, something disconnected. I went to church, and would shake "under the power of God." I'd never done that before. People would tell me how close I must be to God. I didn't feel close to God. I'd been kicked out of a church, but they didn't know that, so I felt like a hypocrite. I also knew the shaking wasn't God, it was me wrestling hard to reconcile what I believed was The Truth with what I had seen, heard, and experienced that blared that it wasn't. There was such a deep grief and so much condemnation associated with praying, fasting, and studying the Bible... and especially with worship. The new church was very pushy about how much I should worship and exactly how we should and shouldn't worship. That didn't help me at all, because so much of what he told us we needed to do seemed unnatural or just plain weird or wrong to me.

It took me years to untangle what had happened in the church I was kicked out of. I had been happy in a way, and spoke in tongues often and danced a lot. When I was kicked out, even though I went to a different oneness Pentecostal church (where the pastor assured me I was fine), things just weren't the same. I doubted pretty much everything I was feeling, because the pastor who kicked me out said I was backslid and terribly wrong. If that were true (and of course it must be-he was a Holy Ghost filled preacher) then what I had felt, and the speaking in tongues and the worship I was doing must be all wrong, too. How could sweet and bitter water come from the same source, after all? I almost "got past that" but then with all the show and people really hurting people in the altar of the new church, I started relooking some things.

At the same time, I went through a time when every time I tried to pray, I'd pretty much immediately fall into heartwrenching...

mary