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It Is The Pastors Who Must Give Account...Of Themselves!

Posted December 1st, 2011 at 08:53 AM by Lois
I can imagine Jesus saying something today like He did in Matthew 23, "Woe unto you ministers who cause all kinds of harm to those trying to follow Me! Woe unto you who abuse my people, making merchandise of them for your own gain! Woe unto you ministers who rob people of their hard earned money and live the high life!...."

So often in unhealthy churches we heard to "obey them that have the rule over you" because they will be giving an account of you to God one day. My desire is not to delve into that at the moment, except to say it isn't true. Ministers have super big egos if they think they get to be the go-between with you and God. The point I wish to make is the price these ministers will have to pay in the end if they do not change their ways.

It is one thing to teach erroneous doctrines in sincerity and with love, believing them to be true. I am fairly certain that we all believe some things that we will find are not true. However, it is a different story when a minister refuses to objectively look at what they are teaching when valid points are made. It isn't the same when things are taught with shaming, threats and manipulative tactics or when God is painted in such a manner as to be viewed as a harsh taskmaster, almost anxiously waiting for you to mess up so He can cause you harm and/or leave you behind.

I can only imagine how God feels when he sees the damage that these abusive ministers cause. Through the years, I have witnessed a multitude of individuals with varying degrees of harm, left by those who were supposed to help them grow in their walk with God. Some of these people go out and commit all kinds of sins because they believe they are lost and without hope, so what does it matter. Some cannot bring themselves to become involved in another church as they are too fearful. Some struggle for years with the after effects of their experience. There are so many things that people face when they have been involved in unhealthy and abusive churches.

I think the saddest and most harmful of all, is when their experience causes them to no longer believe in God or they continue to believe in the warped sense of God that was taught in their former church. Some, though they see the errors of the teachings, cannot see that the wrong image of God they were given isn't how God is at all. They don't want to follow a God that is so harsh and ready to pulverize them at any small indiscretion. My heart goes out to these people. Who wants to follow a God like that?

These ministers won't be reporting to God about you, but they will be answering to God for what THEY have done. Though written in regard to the spiritual leaders of Israel, I believe God feels the same toward these ministers today. Here is what God said:

""Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of My pasture!"...
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Who Understands?

Posted November 30th, 2011 at 06:51 AM by Lois
It's tough on the outsider who has a loved one in an unhealthy church and has never been exposed to anything similar. They are not going to relate to many things. Some of what they see or hear may seem absurd to them, that anyone could believe or do such things.

For the one on the outside, it's important to not minimize anything you hear. You should educate yourself as to the beliefs and practices of the group. For instance, if your brother shared with you that he was concerned about his salvation because he wore shorts, should you burst out laughing, ridicule or make light of it....well, chances are he will think more than once before opening up to you again. So there will be times where, being on the outside and not having a better comprehension, that you need to take extra care in how you respond to a situation.

It is also tough on the former or current member who is struggling with teachings. Besides the fact that many unhealthy churches do not encourage vocalizing questions pertaining to their teachings, there's not a lot of mainstream Christians who can relate or understand what they may be encountering or going through. Try explaining to a woman attending a Methodist church, that you are concerned that as a woman, you may no longer be saved because you cut your hair. See how little she can relate to that. Sharing additional things, like your family may have lost protection because of it, will be mind boggling to her.

There are so many different issues, besides the teachings, that one exposed to an unhealthy church may have to grapple with, that many simply do not understand. Just where do you go when no one around you has any concept of what you're going through? How can your other friends be of much help when they haven't a clue about what you're trying to discuss?

But there are certain people who can relate, besides former members of the same group. Though it may sound unbelievable at first, if you will take the time to learn why it is true, it will help immensely. A former member of an unhealthy church would find they have many things in common with former Moonies, guru followers, Krishna people, UFO groups, EST followers and more. The teachings of each group are quite different, but there are particular practices found in abusive or unhealthy groups that allow former members to relate to and understand each other- even though the groups they came out of are as different as night and day on the surface.

Had I not seen this first hand in the 1990s, several years after leaving the UPC, I probably wouldn't have believed it for some time. It was a real eye opener for me.
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Posted in Leaving, Questioning
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Sometimes One Must Return To Remember Why They Left

Posted November 29th, 2011 at 08:20 AM by Lois
"If you really believe that, then you should go back to the UPC." Did I say that? Yes, I really said that to a friend. There was a time I wouldn't have considered it.

Earlier on, after leaving my former church, there would be times that a friend would return to the group or someone I knew via the internet would. It used to upset and puzzle me, but that changed after awhile as I gained more knowledge. It was replaced with the realization that some people need to return for a period of time, in order to remember why they left in the first place.

This even happened to one lady, who during her time back, wrote a book about returning to the group. It was an attempt to help bring in the 'backsliders.' She worked in a ministry to get people to return. And then she left again, with no intention of returning.

There are different reasons people return to an unhealthy church. They may have left before being fully persuaded in their own mind that it was abusive, unhealthy and/or that error was being taught. They may return due to fear. Sometimes the pull from family and the desire for their acceptance is overwhelming. However, in this post I wish to concentrate on one aspect.

My focus today is what can happen after a period of time. The one who left may start having nostalgic feelings or may be craving the fellowship and excitement they had in their former church. They may not have gained many new friendships since their exit or they may not have yet found a new church to attend. During this time, they sometimes temporarily forget why they left, or may downplay the reasons, or the other feelings seem so strong that they convince themselves things will be different. They may even be fighting the "what if they are right" thoughts mentioned in an earlier post.

During a time like this, it isn't good to make decisions based on emotions or longings for the past. But sometimes it happens and they find themselves back at their former church or another in the same organization. There is lots of attention and hugs and welcome backs and invitations of fellowship. Things feel sooo good! But as time goes on, and the initial love bombing subsides, they start to see once again why they left in the first place...and at times even see and experience worse things. They walk away once more.

If someone you know returns to an unhealthy church or group, pray for them. Sometimes they simply need to be reminded of why they left. God is more than able to keep them and see them through this time in their life.
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Christmas memories

Posted November 28th, 2011 at 11:40 AM by mary
I know not all of us got to celebrate Christmas much in our former churches, but I was recently reminded of how we celebrated growing up... and of some of the sneaky things I did to celebrate even with the multitude of Christmas prohibitions in my former church.

Christmas is a very special time of year for me now... I left my former church just a couple weeks before Christmas two years ago and Christmas activities were the very first that I shared with Trinitarians that year. In participating with them, I regained more than a little hope.

Anyhow, some of my favorite memories:
We'd asked for ten speed bikes one year growing up, but my parents really didn't have the money for them. (I don't think I've ever had a brand new bike, to this day. But at that point, we'd had hand-me-downs, and the bike I was riding at the time had been Mom's when she was my age.) Mom and Dad locked us out of the basement that year, and we tried and tried to sneak a peak at and eavesdrop on what might be happening there. Christmas morning, we got the bikes we wanted. Mom and Dad had found some bikes being thrown away, took them home, and spent days cleaning and repainting them and rebuilding the pieces into "new" shiny bikes for us. That was the best present I ever got, I think, but it wasn't the bike that meant so much, it was the excitement and curiosity leading up to them, and the fact that they were built with so much love.

In Pentecost, we were advised strongly against Christmas trees. After I moved to a new church, we were told that nativities could be idols and that trees were absolutely pagan and had some very obscene roots. Christmas music, for the most part, was also "worldly". The only Christmas song generally sung at church was the chorus of "Joy to the World". Yet I nearly always snuck lights up around the house, set out Christmas cards, lit Christmas-y smelling candles and sometimes brought in some evergreens of some sort... just not a "Christmas tree" per se. (It's only a tree if it's upright with ornaments on it, right?) And later, I started decorating with snowmen, because less had been said against them and I could leave them out through February. As long as I didn't have visitors in the snowmen rooms, at least.

Two years ago right before Christmas I left my former church. That year and every year now, December is filled with seasonal activities... live nativities, "Journey through Bethlehem", Christmas songs at every church I visited, Christmas trees, wreaths, lights, parades, Christmas music and Christmas movies... Christmas means a whole lot to me, and the ancient words, "For unto us is born this day... a Savior" have taken on new beauty.

This year, again, I'll celebrate. Celebrate the birth of our Savior 2000 years ago, and celebrate His rebirth in my life 2 years ago, as well. It's a most...
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hmmm...
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There Are No Standard Standards

Posted November 28th, 2011 at 07:57 AM by Lois
There are no standard standards. Though often touted as God's rules or commands, people become perplexed when they go to another church within the same organization and find differences in these teachings.

You may have simply visited another church and observed the differences or perhaps you switched churches and are a member at a new church. Same group, different church..... and different standards? How can standards change from church to church within the same organization, when they are taught as originating with God and the Bible?

Something is taught as wrong in one, yet wrong and a sinful at another, but OK in yet another. One teaches only skirts and dresses on women, another specifies how much below the knee they must be, and another allows pants underneath in cold weather. Pants? That abomination is allowed?! I thought once an abomination, always an abomination? Huh?? One says a woman shouldn't cut her hair for any reason but it isn't a sin and another says you lose protection for your family and you are lost if you do. One allows facial hair on men and another forbids it. One says no make-up at all, that you are a Jezebel, and another allows basic foundation and cover-up. One demands sleeve length to reach the wrist, another to the elbow and yet another is fine with it between the elbow and shoulder. And the list goes on....

Aargh!! It is enough to make the head spin! How can so many with 'the truth' be teaching so many versions of these standards? Especially when they state this is what God says. Hmm. Is God confused? Does He change his mind all the time? Is something a sin in one area, but ten miles away it isn't? These are some of the questions people face when they encounter all the differences. It is no wonder that questioning the teachings often starts with standards. They are anything but standard in the churches. If they cannot agree among themselves and get these right, what else could they be teaching that is faulty?
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